Once upon a time there lives a poor widow who has an invetro fertilized son named Jack, born in the BUHS daycare center. Because she resides in Brattleboro and has to pay property taxes, she is always poor, and Jack, who is too stupid to work, squanders his days pretending to be an aisle manager in the new Home Depot.
Almost all the furnishings in their dilapidated shack have been repossessed and sent back to Ethan Allen Furniture for their employee’s restrooms in Beijing, China. There is nothing left worth selling because they can not afford the town’s tag sale permit fee. Only their cow, Holstein remains, who gives milk every morning that AgriMark trucks to Springfield, Massachusetts.
But one sad day, Holstein gave no milk, so the state cancelled the widow’s land use agreement because she no longer derived fifty percent of her income from farming. Things looked bad indeed.
“Don’t worry about it mother,” says Jack. "We must sell Holstein. Trust me to make a good bargain," and away he went to the Brattleboro Farmer’s Market.
For some time he went along very sadly, but after a little while he recovered his Schenley Reserve spirits. "I may as well ride as walk," says Jack; so instead of leading Holstein by the halter, he jumps on her back, udderly drunk, until he meets a local socially responsible banker.
"Good morning," says the local socially responsible banker.
“Good morning, sir," answers Jack.
"Where are you going?" asks the local social responsible banker.
"I am going to sell Holstein," replies Jack,
"Are the tenants in the building aware of your decision?” asks the socially responsible banker.
“Holstein’s my cow,” retorts Jack.
“Then it's lucky I met you," says the local socially responsible banker. "You may save yourself the trouble of going so far." With this, he put his hand in his pocket, and pulls out five curious-looking brown beans wrapped in a court repossession order.
"Do you know what these are?" asks the local socially responsible banker.
"Rabbit turds?” replies Jack.
"No," yells the local socially responsible banker, "they are Brattleboro beans, and the most wonderful beans ever known to mankind. If you plant them overnight, by the next morning they'll grow up and reach the sky. But to save you the trouble of going all the way to the farmer’s market, I don't mind exchanging them for that cow of yours."
"Done!" yells Jack.
“Hey! What a minute!” screams Holstein? “Are you telling me that for all those years of service to you and your mother, I’m worth a handful of beans? Do you know how many nights I had to endure your cold hands squeezing me? This is the thanks I get? I hope you can live with the fact, Jack, that the next time we meet I’ll be hanging near the checkout counter at Hannaford’s as a package of Slim Jim’s.”
“Tough luck,” replies Jack, who is immune to Holstein’s guilt trips.
Jack is so delighted with his bargain that he runs all the way home to tell his mother how lucky he has been. But oh! How disappointed the poor widow is.
"Off to bed with you!” she cries, and she is so angry she throws the beans out the window and into the backyard.
When Jack wakes up the next morning, the room is almost dark. He jumps out of bed and runs to the window to see what is the matter. The sun is shining brightly outside, but from the ground right up beside his window there is growing a huge bean stock which stretches up and up as far as he could see into the sky.
Jack knows he is in trouble, for in Brattleboro anything you do requires a permit. And, if you do something that does not require a permit, then it must be illegal. That’s the way the new Town Plan is written.
"I'll just see where it leads to," thought Jack, and with that he steps out of the window onto the bean stock, and begins to climb upwards. He climbs up and up, until after a time Brattleboro looks a mere speck below. At last the bean stock ends and Jack finds himself in front of an enormous castle and is greeted by an angel.
"Good morning, Jack," she says.
Jack is surprised for he could not imagine how she knew his name. He soon found that she knew a great deal more about him than his name. She told him how, when he was a little baby, his father had been slain by the giant who lived in the castle, and how his mother, in order to save Jack, had been obliged to never to tell the secret.
"All that the giant has taken is yours," she says, and then disappeares.
Jack knocks on the door the castle. The giant’s wife opens the door.
“Excuse me giant lady”, says Jack, “I have not eaten since yesterday, would you have any food to spare?”
Although the wife of the Giant is ugly, she is very kind hearted and invites Jack into the kitchen. Suddenly, Jack hears the Giant roar out:
“Fee, fie, foe, fum,
I smell the blood of a Brattleboroian.
Be he alive, and try to get financially ahead,
I’ll use the permit process until he drops dead!”
The Giant sits down and eats the greater part of the ox. When he has finished he says: "Wife, bring me my bag of gold, my gold singing harp, and my gold chicken that lays gold eggs."
So his wife brought him his valued possessions. But the Giant is so sleepy that his head soon begins to nod, and then he begins to snore, like the rumbling of thunder.
Jack, watching from the kitchen-door, creeps out and snatches up the bag of gold, the chicken that lays gold eggs, and the gold harp. Without warning the harp calls out: "Master! Master!" and the giant wakes up just in time to catch sight of Jack running out of the kitchen-door.
With a fearful roar, the giant seizes his oak-tree club, and dashes after Jack, who has the Giant’s possessions and is running faster than he has ever run before. The giant, brandishing his club, and taking terribly long strides, gains on Jack at every instant, and he would have been caught if the giant hadn't slipped over a boulder. Before he could pick himself up, Jack begins to climb down the bean stalk, and when the giant arrives at the edge, Jack is nearly to his mother’s shack.
The giant begins to climb down too; but when Jack sees him coming, he calls out: "Giant, are you a member of the Vermont Sierra Club? “
“Yes I am!” roars back the giant.
“Then kiss my axe!” yells Jack, who grabs his chopper and cuts the bean stock right in two. Down comes the giant with a terrible crash, and that, you may be sure, was the end of him.
What became of the giant’s wife and the castle nobody knows.
With their new found wealth, Jack and his mother purchase a beautiful home in tax free New Hampshire where they became very rich and lived happily after.
Jack isn’t so stupid after all.