By SPANIEL MARLOW
(AF) -- Yeehaww! The executive rush is on! A 26-lot executive McMansion development is planned for 154-acres near Guilford Street Extension, the first major McMansion growth in years. Already, eager executives are lining up, salivating at the chance to finally be able to move to Brattleboro.
"I've begun packing my factory already," said one executive. "It used to be that you had find a house for $200,000 and live in town near everything. Now, thankfully, we can pay double and live a bit farther away from Brattleboro."
Another executive agreed. "I had been thinking of laying everyone off and setting up shop in Mexico, but then I read that there would be executive housing in Brattleboro and I said, 'Whoa! Stop the presses'... executive McMansions? In a town that has a Home Depot? And a Walmart nearby? It's too good to be true. We're moving the chemical refinery to Vermont!" He said he looked forward to one day being able to lay off Brattleboro workers.
One factory owner put it this way, "I'll move at any time to any town that gives me tax breaks and a McMansion to enjoy. I do it every year or so."
Many executives cited the NRC's rejection of an independent engineering assessment of Vermont Yankee nuclear power plant as a motivating factor. "Our mail will be safer with that extra bit of radiation, plus we won't have to guess anymore if our food is irradiated. The answer will be simple - yes!"
"Why, we've had over 300 calls since the news got out," said a receptionist at Town Planning Realty. "Sixty executives are on their way, each bringing a business with them. It could get ugly."
Others felt they missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to move to a pretty but economically depressed region. "I would have moved my factory to Brattleboro instead of China if only there had been some $300,000 McMansions there last year," said a dismayed executive. "If only I had known this was coming I would have overlooked all those less expensive, better-built, in-town homes and waited."
Each of the McMansions is expected to have between three and four bedrooms, sit on between 1.5 and 36 acres of land and be approximately 2,600 square feet in size. In a bold move, they will look the same, but be slightly different. "The 3-SUV garage will be on the left in this one," said one designer "but it will be on the right over here. And this one holds 4 SUV's."
A few local realtors are also lining up. "I'm sick of just making a good living and being pretty well off," said one. "I want more, and the only way that will happen is if I sell houses that cost more. Screw the poor. They can rent, and I don't deal with tenants. And I'm not moving to a market where I could easily make more. It costs too much. I need the cheap home I bought here years ago."
The profiteers have received preliminary site plan approval from their friends and are expected to appear some other friends at the Brattleboro Development Review Board on April 12 for final approval and local Act 250 hearing. "We sure hope nobody comes to that meeting to raise objections. That would be terrible. We almost have this in the bag."
"This is good news," said Brattleboro's Town Manager from his home near Putney. "The new executive housing in the area means I might consider moving back to town someday."
He said that the Town had worked long and hard on finding ways to best help the people who live here already, especially the 50% who rent but would like inexpensive housing so they, too, could maybe, one day, possibly have their own home. "And while this isn't a huge development," he added, "it is a major step for executives now living elsewhere."
The 26 housing lots will take away 154 acres of land. They will be connected by a widening road which loops around in a cul-de-sac, according to preliminary drawings that will change once approved. Manned 24-hour gates, trained attack dogs, and an advanced security system will be added after the project is already approved, securing the perimeter for the executives, according to secret drawings hidden in a desk.
The development, dubbed High Points Estates in town documents, will feature over 6,700 feet of paved road, tentatively called Summit Circle. The names were chosen so that executives could feel that they were "looking down on everyone."
Construction of the McMansions is scheduled to be stretched over five years, with seven lots going up immediately for use during a first phase by the people who thought this up, and the additional 19 maybe during a second phase, that will be used for the rush of executives to the area. "Unless we find that we like having all the land to ourselves," said one of the initial seven.
The land in question currently is a large open meadow on a sloping hillside with extensive patches of forest, according to documents. Skunks, deer, raccoons, birds, feral cats, snakes, frogs, and insects living there currently could not be reached for comment. A spokesanimal, on condition of anonymity, said that plagues were not out of the question. "All options are on the table. We live here."
A good portion of the property, which is zoned wetlands, supports amphibian breeding. "It should be a perfect place for executives to multiply and thrive," said a spokesperson for the Fish & Wildlife Dept.
Nearly seven acres of land will be donated to the town and added to Living Memorial Park, which borders part of the development, as part of the deal. Those involved thought that this gesture would convince naysayers and provide a good argument against critics - specifically, why do you hate expanding the town park?
Impact on municipal and school services is expected to be minimal and even financially beneficial, according to documents written by the developers to show that the impact on municipal and school services is expected to be minimal and even financially beneficial.
Based on old data, the development will house approximately 74 residents, including 17 above-average school-aged children. Once all the McMansions are built, the project is expected to generate $364,500 for the town in property taxes annually. Subtracting the impact on municipal and unused school services due to private school enrollment, the development will net $118,616 in property taxes. Subtracting the tax breaks to entice the job creation, real estate commisions and paybacks, the Town should net "about $12" said an auditor.
All but two of the planned McMansions will be hooked up to the municipal sewer system and all the McMansions will have private wells, further draining our threatened aquifers. "We look forward to the executives enjoying their super-sized share of Town," said a Selectboard member.
In recent years New Hampshire has become much more appealing in terms of executive housing because of the high number of developments, said the head lister in Brattleboro. "It is important that we turn Brattleboro into someplace more attractive to executives, you know, more like Keene or Manchester."
"Why, oh, why, can't this be New Hampshire. There are always more choices in New Hampshire," he cried, looking across the Connecticut with a wistful look. "Judging from the sales that I've seen in town recently, this new development certainly is filling a need for overpriced gated communities for people who don't live here yet."
The head of the town's planning commission said the planned development "continues the culture of sprawl" because it spreads a small amount of units over a large area of land. Critics countered that executives are a special breed of people that cannot possibly be served by having a typical 1/4 acre lot.
"It basically encourages, and to a large extent requires, the automobile," he said, being dragged away by other members of the board and put in a sack. "Tell everyone this is a coup, and remind them that its sprawling nature works against developing a sense of community and a sense of neighborhood," he added as he was whisked away in an unmarked vehicle spewing fumes.
At a recent meeting, the Development Review Board called the project "totally cool" and the board members ruled that the design plans were "very executive."
But several abutters to the project -- many of them residents of Guilford Street -- have expressed a number of concerns.
"I suppose executives have to live somewhere," said one resident, "but why next to me?" The Town plans a program of executive integration to teach locals how to approach an executive if they see one. "They are almost like us," said the program administrator. "Soon you will learn to live side by side with them, even if they despise you. You'll have to. You'll be working for them."