O. K., let's face it: the republicans are right about who we lefties really are and what we are all about. I confess. I have never had a beer in my life. I don't know what beer tastes like. I've also never had a hamburger. In fact, the only food that I have ever consumed in my life, 3 meals per day, are caviar, fish oil eggs, wine, and the occasional mixed drink.
The reason I cannot understand or relate to Republicans and the "regular guys" who support them is that, throughout my adult life, I have never left the Ivory Tower that I reside in here in Brattleboro. (No, I'm not going to post where it is located, I don't want commoners approaching and violating my privacy zone.) I do not understand their side of the issues because I am locked away in here and spend all of my time writing smarmy, elitist jokes of a liberal bent while I sip cognac and butterscotch snapps.
For example, let's take the unshakable Republican edict that cutting taxes (and hence reducing government revenue) by trillions and trillions of dollars helps balance the budget. I have a degree in Economics (really), so you'd think I would be able to understand that. Despite repeated attempts by the conservative pundits and "regular guys" to explain the fact that reducing revenue by trillions increases revenue, I continue to fail to understand it. I am also incapable of doing what they seem to do with such ease: setting aside the views of 96% of environmental scientists who say the global warming exists, is worsening, ect. What's my problem, anyway?
I know what it is. I have a cure for my problem, and I'm not going to put it off another minute. I am going to shut off my computer, march over to the brick and mortar, walk in closet here in my Ivory Tower, and pull out my most uncooth outfit: some beat up, old Armani clothes. I'm going to throw those clothes on, not "put" them on, and run down to the local watering hole. I'm going to order a Budweiser and a "side of beef". I'm going to force myself to eat and drink the entire meal, even though it will likely cause serious digestive tract problems later in life, since my elitist body is not equipped to deal with such things. Then, while I'm imbibing, I am going to hang out with the local guys and watch an ENTIRE football game with them. It will be tough for me to do, but I am determined. Nothing can stop me now.
And by the time I leave the bar? I will be transformed! A new man! I will be able to easily understand how decreasing government revenue increases government revenue. I will instantly be able to subscribe to the philosophy that global warming "has never, does not, can not and never will exist no matter how many scientists say otherwise." Wish me luck!