Sam Snake was an unlucky fellow - whatever he tried, wherever he went, however he tried to do things, he simply just could not win. All the lizard lads around the town of Lollington Spa where he lived called him a real loser.
Try as hard as he might, he never received any awards whatsoever - the only reason he ever got into the papers was if there had been a crisis or if Sam Snake was in a calamity. He lost thousands of pounds on lottery tickets and the only ever got the smallest prize in raffles that he entered - if he got a prize at all. If there was a pavement broken - Sam Snake would fall over it. Any drinks that were knocked over, were usually spilt by Sam Snake. One time he even got trapped snaking his way through a sliding door.
When it came to sports - Sam Snake didn't fare much better. Home or away, he usually was on the opposite side of the championship side, being booed and hissed by the crowds. He was so jealous of all the other athletes and sportsmen, who won medals and he was never nominated as Captain - only runner up or reserve. Some received knighthoods, other OBE's, not Sam Snake. Neither a Nobel Peace Prize nor a World Cup Trophy in sight. When Sam Snake had a go at Decathlon, he lost every race - marathon, relays and hundred yard dashes - he even tried barefoot like Abebi Bikila. As a sprinter, he was more splintered. His 3-minute mile took 3 days. The javelins he shot headed off in every direction - the apparatus quickly needed repair after Sam Snake had been near. The Olympic Flame (which had burned since being introduced in 1928) decided to fizzle out when Sam Snake appeared.
So Sam Snake moved on to card games. First he had a go at Solo - it usually took 4 players - but when Sam Snake turned up - everyone else left him playing alone - truly solo. Bored with cards, he attempted board games, though Sam Snake's dice only had unto five spots. If Sam Snake played backgammon, there were never enough pieces. The Queen always looked more like the King in Sam Snake's chess set and he had real difficulty telling the difference between a pawn and a bishop. Before long, in monopoly he had gone bankrupt and at cluedo he almost got shot with the revolver. Getting alphabetically scrabbled, he moved and scrambled in the egg and spoon race. Everyone in the neighbourhood thought that he would be a natural at "Snakes & Ladders" - but he tried climbing the snakes and slid down the ladders by mistake ! When it came to basketball, Sam Snake's ball looked more like a basket and he almost lost a scale or two whilst playing baseball. What Sam Snake's World Series needed was an entire universe.
He punched the matter out with an old boxing chum in the ring, which only left Sam Snake black and blue all over. His left hook went right and his right hook veered left. There are usually seven players a side in netball - not in Sam Snake's. It took 24 to lift Sam Snake to score.
Sam Snake's test matches were truly testing. He never understood the rules of cricket, anyway. Sam Snake's tennis rackets needed metal instead of piano wire and his grand slam was more like a grand slap. On the way to Wimbledon, he got lost and inevitably, rain stopped play on the day he was due go onto the centre court. What a racket ! Game, set and match. Sam snake almost got squashed at squash. The wheels on Sam Snake's skateboard soon fell off and his roller boots no longer fit him. Even Sam Snake's hockey stick snapped, leaving Sam Snake losing again.
If a golfer loses a ball, the penalty is usually a stroke added onto his score - for Sam Snake it was six ! His table tennis ball ping - ponged across the room - no amount of searching could recover it. Even his BMX bicycle got a puncture, his spoke spiked and the chain fell off.
Onto water sports, but he couldn't find his buoyancy aid and the canoe crashed in the River rapids. Circumnavigating the globe was simply out of the question. His punctured dinghy would never make it on a Transatlantic sail. When Sam Snake went wind surfing, there was a hurricane and Sam Snake got lost at sea for a day or two. On an evening out at the local pub with his girl game friends, his skittles got well and truly scuttled. "SNAP!" - that should be easy enough, he thought to himself, but even Sam Snake couldn't get the cards to match in pairs.
When Sam Snake tried poker, his wild cards went really wild and the whole of the 52 card pack fluttered into the air. His gin rummy looked positively alcoholic - they would never sit straight and tidy. He mixed up the hearts with the clubs and the spades with the diamonds - all misshapen and a mess. His darts flew off in all different directions. If you think the lowest possible darts score was 2 - think again - for Sam Snake only scored "0". On the bowling green, Sam Snake's bowls looked like bouncing bombs. "Boo hoo", he sobbed. His pool was much of a swampy pond. He was well snookered !
When Sam Snake took up billiards, the local pub proprietor added an extra cushion to the billiard table. What was special about the three cushion billiard table is that it had no pockets - till Sam Snake got there, of course. One white and fifteen coloured balls - not for Sam Snake - he thought the white ball was a mongoose egg and gulped it down like a cobra. At ten - pin bowling, Sam Snake not only knocked down the pins but crashed into the barrier and broke the frame too !
In horse championships - Sam Snake let the horse take the strain. Red Rum (who had already won the Grand National three times in the past) - couldn't even make it to the half way post when Sam Snake was on his back ! The was no equal to Sam Snake's equestrian games. An event to remember. When it came to show - jumping, Sam Snake's mare simply hoofed off. The 3 day "militaire" is still to this day going on because Sam Snake's horse ran off !
In the Grand National at Aintree, Sam Snake jumped the fourteen double fences three times ! leaving his neighing companion quickly ageing horse braying even more after a ride by Sam Snake!
Some of the great winners of all time put their head together and to try to come up with a solution to Sam Snake's problem - Mike Tyson, Nigel Mansell, Jesse Owens, Linford Christie, Steve Davies and many others - but no - one had an answer big enough for Sam Snake. His rough ride, however, soon came to end and his scores improved considerably when Sam Snake finally found wind sports - he met and fell in love with a cute and flighty, young shuttlecock at badminton classes. The kisses that she blew brought a very light and airy end to his problems. Eventually he got his trophy cup (and indeed a whole crockery set) as a wedding gift from the Balls and the reception at the Raquet Club was rapturous.
Jacqueline Richards 2005