Good evening! This is Larry King live! Tonight on CNN our exclusive interview with President George W. Bush in the Oval Office where we will ask him the difficult questions that all Americans want answers too.
How are you Mr. President?
Just fine Larry. I know your viewers are political junkies and enjoy hearing the latest dope in Washington – so here I am!
Are you looking forward to your working summer vacation in Crawford, Texas?
I am Larry. My favorite part of the trip is when Marine One flies over the remains of the Branch Davidian Compound. You know Larry, after what former Attorney General Janet Reno did to David Koresh and his followers, the only way a guy can pick up a girl in Waco is with a vacuum cleaner.
Are you concerned about Cindy Sheehan buying five acres in Crawford to hold ongoing antiwar protests?
No Larry, I am not bothered by Ms. Sheehan’s actions. If she and her followers had purchased five acres adjacent to the White House in Washington, DC, then I would be intimidated. Anyway, I will let you in on a little secret. The Texas Legislature has enacted a new planning and permitting law modeled after Act 250 in the State of Vermont. Whatever Ms. Sheehan wants to do with her land, especially if she intends to live on it, will never, ever happen.
Mr. President, you do love Texas?
I always have Larry. My fondest childhood memory of growing up in Texas was being rocked to sleep every night by my parents. Let me tell you Larry, some of those rocks were the size of basketballs.
Will you be reading any books while in Crawford?
Absolutely Larry. I will be rereading my favorite novels from when I attended Philips Andover Academy. “Catch Her In The Rye” by J.D. Salinger; “The Open Kimono” by Seymour Hare; “The Hawaiian Prostitute” by Wanna Layahora; “My Shotgun Wedding” by Himalaya Last; and “The Russian Rabbi” by Ikan Kutchadikoff.
Mr. President, I know you are not a believer in global warming, but most Americans are convinced that the extremes in weather we are experiencing are directly related to your administrations weak environmental policies. Your thoughts?
Larry, our administration is working very hard with respect to global warming. Our first priority is to deal with the oppressive heat wave this summer. Republicans in Congress will be enacting legislation that will eliminate the death tax for the super rich and in exchange give every poor person in America a voucher for a free Popsicle. Even more important, our administration’s comprehensive solution for global warming will be ready in less than four months. It will be called “Winter”.
Mr. President, why did you veto federal funding for stem cell research?
Well Larry, I vetoed that bill because Congress just doesn’t get it. It’s my long held fundamental religious belief that stem cells have the potential of being very dangerous if Americans are going to talk on them while driving their cars.
Was your recent trip to Germany a success, Mr. President?
Not really Larry. I was under the mistaken assumption that the G8 Summit was a conference about vegetable juice.
Did you accomplish anything significant in Germany?
No, I did not Larry. Unfortunately, I had one embarrassing moment when I asked German Chancellor Angela Merkel if I could tour the site where Hogan’s Heroes was filmed. Then, there was some controversy when I stood behind Chancellor Merkel and gave her a back massage that was caught on television. To tell you the truth Larry, if you look very carefully at the footage, I was pretending to be Bill Clinton trying to ascertain if she was wearing a bra.
When you returned from Germany, Mr. President, you immediately had a meeting with the Prime Minister from India, Dr. Manmohan Singh. Was that meeting productive?
It was very productive. What pleased me the most is when the Prime Minister from India agreed to provide free technical support for all the White House computers that we purchased from Mainland China.
Mr. President, we have not seen or heard from Vice President Dick Cheney. Is he feeling okay?
The Vice President is just fine Larry. You may remember that for several years he was living in an undisclosed location because of terrorist threats. However, he has since moved back into the Vice President’s home at the Naval Observatory in Washington and is feeling splendid. He recently had a new heart pacemaker installed that emits a high frequency warning signal to the Walter Reed Medical Center. Evidently, the Secret Service is very upset because every time Vice President Cheney farts his garage doors open.
What is your assessment of the economy, Mr. President?
That’s a twofold question, Larry, which I will answer for you in two parts. First, I was delighted to hear that Ford Motor Company will be installing computers with Internet access in all of their vehicles. This is very important because it will enable all the employees of Ford to look for jobs while driving to work. Secondly, I understand the pain of high gas prices. On the positive side, however, is that McDonald’s is doing really well because American’s are compensating for high oil prices by paying less for grease.
Lets get back to international affairs, Mr. President. Are you worried about your loss of both domestic and international credibility because no weapons of mass destruction were found in Iraq?
No, no, no, Larry. We did find weapons of mass destruction. Saddam Hussien was really sneaky. Just before we invaded Iraq, Saddam used Fed Ex to ship his WMD’s to North Korea.
Are you concerned about North Korea firing off an ICBM aimed at the United States?
No, I am not Larry. I do not lay awake at night worrying about being hit by a frozen doo doo.
Mr. President, what are you thoughts on illegal immigration in the United States?
If someone is going to enter the United States, Larry, either legally or illegally, then they have the moral obligation of learning to speak our language. If I decide to immigrate to Great Britain in 2008, then I should be required to learn how to speak English. If I immigrate to Canada, then I should learn to speak Canadian.
What is your take on the health of Fidel Castro?
Larry, I have no idea. All I do know from my CIA reports is that when Castro became sick he was transported to Cubers only infirmary by Donkey 1. You have to understand Larry that in a Communist country like Cuber when a leader is reported to be in stable condition it usually means they will be dead within a few days.
Mr. President, are you aware of the fact that the island of Cuba has the lowest suicide rate of any country in the Western Hemisphere?
I’m not surprised Larry. If you stop and think about it, how can someone kill themselves by leaping from a basement window?
We have time for one final question, Mr. President. Before you go to bed at night, do you say a prayer and, if so, what prayer do you recite?
I do say a prayer, Larry, and I will be happy to recite it for you. O mighty Internal Revenue, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments which multiplieth the fortunes of accountants and lawyers alike. Amen.
And with that answer we conclude our interview with President George W. Bush.
Wait a minute Larry! Hold on! Laura and I would like to invite you down to the ranch for a cookout. The new Premier from Romania will be there and we are preparing a special Texas meal in his honor. It will consist of klochomoloppi, lich lock, slop lom, stock-lock, rishkosh, and flocklish.
“Yuck”! Mr. President.
We got Yuck too. Would you like it broiled or braised?
No thank you Mr. President. I now understand why your poll ratings are in the toilet. This is Larry King live signing off. Be sure to tune in tomorrow night when we have an exclusive interview with Anna Nicole Smith who will be in Havana to talk about transplanting implants and her plans to marry Fidel Castro.
Have a goodnight.