Hello, is anyone home? I’m looking for Bulova Shagnaski?

Yeah, that’s me, come on in. Who are you?

I’m a reporter from the Keene Sentinel. I’m here to interview you Mr. Shagnaski because you are the oldest known living resident in Brattleboro.

Well come on in and sit down. Please call me Shag.

Thank you Shag. How many years young are you?

Well, let’s see. I was born in Brattleboro in 1948 and this is 2058 so I reckon that makes me one-hundred and ten!

That’s truly amazing. What is the secret of your longevity?

That’s easy to answer; gambling, tobacco, alcohol, and a complete lack of morality when it involves coveting thy neighbors wife.

Shag, the reason for this interview is that I want to write a story from your historical perspective of how and why Brattleboro, Vermont became Brattleboro, New Hampshire.

Sure. It’s a really sad story but with a happy ending.

Tell it to me, Shag.

Okay. Brattleboro’s economic collapse began in 2010 when both local and state government was dominated by Progressives.

Who was the Governor in 2010?

I don’t recall his name. All I seem to remember is that he was from Putney, had a big nose, and an insufferable super ego. Anyway, when he and the Progressives took control of Montpelier in 2010, they enacted a political agenda that ultimately destroyed the Brattleboro economy.

Shag, exactly what was their agenda?

Well, first you have to understand that a Progressive is someone who looks through a glass darkly to condemn those things they are unable to see clearly. Their philosophy of life is based upon their ill conceived pretext that if someone else has something that a Progressive can not afford, then that individual has the obligation to share it with the Progressive. It’s a whacked out concept of equality entitlement by political activists who are too unmotivated to work for a living.

So how did the Progressives advance their agenda?

Well, Progressives were real big into the issue of global warming that they successfully transformed into the largest con job in the history of all mankind. I think it was back in 2007 when the United Nations issued an idiotic report blaming global warming on the activities of mankind. Progressives immediately seized upon the UN study and used to promote their political agenda by claiming that those who have money are causing global warming therefore they are obligated to forfeit both their lifestyle and income for the environmental betterment of all mankind.

It was a very appealing politically argument here in Brattleboro. Forcing the financially successful into the community concept of equivalent poverty would enable the existing poor to achieve economic parity with the formerly wealthy without physically or mentally having to do anything which, if you stop and think about it, is why the poor were poor in the first place. Progressives operate under the “we should all share the same miserable lifestyle philosophy” which is why Progressives are very unhappy people.

So Shag, how did the Progressives in Brattleboro implement their agenda?

They did it by imbedding themselves in the permitting and planning process. As a result, Brattleboro became a hotbed of never ending “Plans”. If memory serves me correctly, there was an agricultural plan, a parking plan, a retail store plan, a West Brattleboro village plan, a solid waste disposal plan, a low income housing plan, a Putney Road plan, a Marlboro Road plan, an energy saving plan, a capital infrastructure plan, an emergency services plan, a recycling plan, a prevent global warming plan, a Whetstone pathway plan, a parking meter replacement plan, a pedestrian walking plan, a preserve farmland plan, a local sustainable economy plan, a livable wage plan, a waterfront plan, a dense housing plan, a skateboard park plan, a master town plan, a bridge replacement plan, a traffic light plan, a roundabout plan, a tree planting plan, a traffic control plan, a Section 8 housing plan, a public breast feeding plan, a why you should unionize plan, a Holstein cow retention plan; a chicken manure nuclear replacement plan, a free health care for all plan, a local unlimited tax implementation plan, and a nudist parking lot plan. …… it was endless.

Everyone in Brattleboro was so preoccupied with planning that no one was actually producing anything which resulted in the town becoming an economic orphan financially dependent on the Legislature in order for residents to pay their property taxes.

Shag, of all the plans that Brattleboro created which was your favorite?

Well, for me the only plan that made sense was the town evacuation plan that utilized school buses from Keene to transport local residents out the area to get the hell away from all the nut cases moving into Brattleboro.

What happened in 2010?

Progressives on the Selectboard outlawed trucks in Brattleboro because their studies showed that the diesel exhausts were killing the flowers in the Exit 3 Roundabout. As a result C&S Wholesale abandoned their warehouse. For a while the Town Development Review Board considered transforming the facility into the world’s largest dollar store in hopes it would attract more poor people to the area. That plan was scrapped when they discovered that the store’s inventory would have to be delivered by trucks.

Eventually the town took over the warehouse and divided it into twenty-six sections, one section for each letter of the alphabet. The entire ten acre building was then filled to capacity with various town plans and studies most of which were never read including by the people who wrote them.

Once a year the Chamber of Commerce would hold their annual meeting at the warehouse where everyone would tour the building and congratulate each other for the wonderful planning work they had done. Some lucky individual would then be awarded Planning Person of the Year and get to ride in the lead car of the 4th of July parade down Main Street. It was really kind of exciting to attend if you happen to be brain dead.

Was it really that bad?

Yes. As a matter of fact it got even worse. Existing businesses in town refused to invest in Brattleboro because the planning and permit process was dominated by individuals who could not emotionally handle the fact that there are people in the world making more than minimum wage.

The real downfall occurred when the Selectboard in 2010 designated Brattleboro a “Fair Trade Town”.

What is a Fair Trade Town?

Well, a Fair Trade Town only permits those goods sold in the community that were manufactured by companies who pay their employees a “sustainable livable wage”. What in fact happened is that the Progressives only allowed those products to be sold in town that were politically correct. That is how how the Progressives gained a monopoly in the local economy. There was just one problem. The products they allowed to be sold in Brattleboro were unadulterated junk that no one wanted to buy and their utopian share the wealth scheme went straight town the toilet.

So what happened?

Well, no one in town had any money. So the Progressives came up with the brilliant idea of creating a local currency that was only valid in Brattleboro. Everyone in town was required to make something with their own hands that would be used by someone else in town but no two people could make the same product.

Instead of US currency, residents had to pay with a local currency that could only be spent within town limits. It was a psychological ploy of convincing poor people that they were rich when in fact they were really poor. You have to understand Progressives are really big into symbolism over substance.

Do you have any of the local currency I could see?

No.

What did it look like?

If I remember correctly it only came in one dollar denominations and was bright red. It had a photo on one side of the 20th President of the United States, Arthur Garfield and on the reverse side was an embossed likeness of his descendent, Audrey Garfield, who was Chairman of the Town Selectboard from 2007 until 2047.

Who was the town manager in 2010?

I think his name was Al Franken. After he put Air America into bankruptcy local Progressives were convinced he had the right credentials to manage Brattleboro.

So what was it that financially killed Brattleboro?

Well, Progressives were really angry when their gay marriage agenda failed. So they enacted the “Fairness Doctrine”. Under this law, which was upheld by the VT Supreme Court, marriage would be limited to men and women who are able to have children. Couples would be required to prove they are fertile in order to get a marriage license, and if they did not have children within three years, their marriage would be annulled. According to the Progressives, if same-sex couples should be barred from marriage because they cannot have children together, then heterosexual couples who cannot or will not have children together should equally be barred from marriage.

As a result, Brattleboro had no children which infuriated the local teacher’s union because they had no one to hold hostage during their contract negotiations.

The end came in 2047 when everyone in Brattleboro threw up their hands and said “to hell with it – I’m outta here!”

In Federal Bankruptcy Court in Rutland the Judge appointed the City of Keene as the Trustee of Brattleboro because Keene felt responsible for taking the entire employment base and retail sector out of Brattleboro.

And that’s explains how Brattleboro, Vermont became Brattleboro, New Hampshire.

That you for your time Shag.

You’re welcome.