This story was previously published in The Deerfield Valley News, and appears here with permission.
"By Mike Eldred
WILMINGTON- Some may say there are already plenty of schmucks running for president. But one Wilmington resident says he’s the only real schmuck in the race to the White House.
With a campaign slogan like “Put a real Schmuck in the White House,” 56-year-old Dwight Schmuck admits his write-in campaign for the nation’s highest office is partly tongue-in-cheek. But he says his platform and “talking points” are his way of speaking out, and challenging traditional politicians with “common sense” and unconventional thinking. “Obviously, I’m not going to win,” he says. “Any fool can see that, but I can show that there are some alternatives and make some points that need to be made.”
Some of his ideas may sound more like jokes, and he welcomes a chuckle, but they also invite consideration of the absurd as more sensible than reality. “For Ruby Ridge and Waco-type situations, I would use Jell-O,” he says. “All you need is a few high pressure pumps, fire planes, and one sniper with armor-piercing bullets to take out the generator. Then dump the Jell-O on them and let Mother Nature take over. They’ll come out looking for a shower in no time. No kids get killed, the Jell-O is biodegradable, and it’s cheap.”
Schmuck isn’t running under the wing of any party, although he says he considers himself a Republican. “I’m a registered Republican, but I’m not part of the modern Republican party, the neocons,” he says, “which means ‘new con job.’”
If elected, Schmuck promises to bring the troops home from Iraq, and anywhere else they may be, almost immediately. “The first thing I would do, after my inauguration, is turn to the microphones and tell them I want everything that isn’t cemented down on military bases throughout the world back in this country within 30 days,” he says. “We can spend that money here. If we spent here what we’ve spent in Iraq, we could have rebuilt New Orleans twice and put up tsunami walls around the Gulf Coast.”
He notes that the money to fund the recently vetoed bill to increase the State Children’s Health Insurance Program is spent on Iraq every 42 days. “And for what?” he asks. “It’s not making us more secure and the price of oil isn’t going down.”
His second official action would be to institute a single-payer health care system. “There is absolutely no reason on God’s green earth that a country as advanced as the United States should be that backwards,” he says.
Schmuck is disabled after he was hurt on the job as a mental health worker. A patient attacked him, leaving him with an inoperable and debilitating back injury. He’s currently collecting Social Security disability, but hopes that people will help him “get off disability by getting him into the White House.”
His third task in office would be to rewrite the tax code to exclude some current tax breaks. “Hummers and Escalades are considered commercial vehicles because they weigh too much,” he says. “So they get written off on taxes, and the gasoline to run them gets written off, too. Rich people are getting nurses and fry cooks to pay, not only for their ride, but for the gas to put in it.”
Schmuck’s fourth promise is to ban lobbyists from the White House. “No paid lobbyist will even get into the White House,” he says. “You know, bureaucrats are a lesser form of muskrats, their pelts aren’t worth as much.”
The fifth platform promise is to tear down the wall that’s under construction along the U.S. border with Mexico. “Walls don’t just keep people out,” he says. “Prisons use them to keep people in.”
The 2008 campaign isn’t Schmuck’s first plunge into national politics. His first presidential run was in 1996, and he has continued to run in every presidential election since then - always with the same result.
“I looked at the candidates, and they’re all the same guy,” he says “They all went to the same school, joined the same clubs, had the same friends, went to the same parties, and talked to the same lobbyists day in and day out. The last few presidents have been educated far beyond their intelligence, and I can show people there are other options.”
Admittedly, he says, he hasn’t attracted a lot of attention from voters, or the press. “Sooner or later someone will notice,” he says. “Even if it’s just a chuckle – a chuckle will get you away from the gloom and doomers out there.”
Like almost every presidential candidate, Schmuck has recently published a book, “A Schmuck’s-Eye View,” which he says is about growing up Schmuck. “A lot of it is about what it’s like to grow up with that name,” he says, “the looks it can produce.”
Schmuck says the first time he was pulled over by a police officer, the name almost got him arrested. “It was the 1960s, and if you were young and having a good time, that was reason enough to pull you over,” he says. “The cop asked me my name, and as soon as he heard “Dwight Schmuck” his gun was out and he was ordering me out of the car. He thought I said ‘Dwight, schmuck’ until he saw my license. The flip side is that we became good friends for years after.”
Schmuck says there’s “something in the book for everyone to hate,” as well as plenty of laughs.
Schmuck’s Web site, www.schmuckforpresident.com, offers more information on his unlikely bid for the presidency, including “Ten reasons to elect Dwight Schmuck President of the U.S. in 2008.” (The number two reason: “When you disagree with me, you can just say the president is a Schmuck and be 100% correct.”)
Promising not to accept any donations, Schmuck is funding his campaign with the sale of his campaign T-shirts – advertised on the Web site for $20 by check or money order to: Schmuck for President, P.O. Box 1034, West Dover, VT 05356.
Schmuck has been able to take his campaign national thanks not only to his own Web site, but also to YouTube. On his Webcast, “The Schmuck Look,” Schmuck sounds off on issues from his fellow candidates to a Congress run amok.
“All I can say is, if you want someone who will work for peace and really means it, put a real Schmuck in the White House. It takes a real Schmuck to clean out the Bushes.”
-M.E."