I'm announcing the formation of a new ad-hoc committee to propose new ordinances for Brattleboro. After much consultation with our attorney and the Secretary of State, we have settled on the name Bold Ordinances of Brattleboro Society, or BOOBS. So far BOOBS (already with a membership rivaling that of the Post-Oil group) has met once, and with stunning results.

Without further adieu, I would like to present our first four bold suggestions.

Mime Ordinance
This ordinance would outlaw the wearing of whiteface pancake makeup with any of the following items: A striped shirt, black pants and suspenders, a bowler hat, a hat that’s too small for one’s head, a beret, or white gloves.

There would be strict limitations on any general mockery or pantomime, particularly invisible rope pulling, groping the sides of invisible boxes, and exaggerated facial expressions.

Anyone in caught being in violation of this ordinance would be subject to a fine of 750 francs for the first violation, 10,000 francs for the second violation, and possible deportation to Marseilles for the third offense.

Sock Ordinance
Wearing close-toed shoes without socks is disgusting, smelly, and unhygienic. Unfortunately, it appears to be a common practice among some of Brattleboro’s downtown denizens (you know who you are). This ordinance would require that socks or foot coverings of similar absorbent properties be worn with close-toed, non-ventilated shoes while in public.

Violators would be fined and publicly humiliated.

Odor ordinance
Closely related to the sock ordinance. Dude, what is that ungodly stench?

Whether it’s a little old lady who has burnt out her olfactory system from years of liberal perfume application and keeps adding more; young crunchers and their earthy, free-spirited, malodorous, and pervasive patouli; or the heady stink of the great unwashed; you don’t have the right to stink up my air. Scent can be subjective, so I propose a test. Stand the accused at the top of the stairs at Mocha Joe’s. If the patrons turn around to see who’s there within 27 seconds, then you stink too way too much.
Violators will be scrubbed with Borax and hard bristle brushes. Can you still get Borax?

Common sense ordinance
This one will be the most controversial, but it could solve many other problems, and even make the other ordinances obsolete.

People do a lot of stupid things – for various reasons. Some people are young and inexperienced, some are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and some are just flatlanders (hey, it’s just satire – a joke – you know I love you guys). Under this ordinance, anyone who is determined to be acting like an idiot for any reason whatsoever would be administered an immediate slap upside the head from law enforcement personnel. Just one.

So, there are four ordinances, offered by BOOBS, for the new Brattleboro Selectboard. I’m sure iBratt readers can think of many more. Please post.

-Maus, President of BOOBS