After five months of hearings and extraordinarily difficult negotiations, the Vermont Legislature will announce on the day before their May adjournment an updated list of official state designations that accurately reflect Vermont’s current culture and mores. Hopefully, Governor Douglas will not veto this legislation as these new sixty-three titles are an important symbol of Vermont’s very special relationship to all mankind.

Revised “OFFICIAL” Vermont Designations

State Animal: Road Kill
State Athlete: Naked Transsexual Pole Vaulter
State Automobile: Rusted Moped

State Beverage: Breast Milk
State Bible: Bumper Stickers
State Bird: Middle Finger on I-91
State Butterfly: Howard Dean

State Candy: Chocolate Covered Bed Bugs
State Cow: The Jersey
State Crop: Marijuana

State Death Penalty: Act 250
State Dental Floss: Used Shoe Laces
State Disease: Bush Derangement Syndrome
State Dress Code: Red Gingham Dress and Combat Boots

State Education Plan: Feel Good About Yourself Panacea
State Emblem: Welfare Check
State Enemy: Wal-Mart
State Energy Plan: Left Over Salad Dressing Oil
State Evacuation Plan: School Buses That Don’t Start
State Extinct Product: Soap
State Extinct Species: Private Sector Employees

State Firearm: Pea Shooter
State Fish: Guppy
State Flag: Red Hammer & Sickle On White Background
State Flower: Pansy
State Food: Cracker Jacks (has a free toy inside)
State Fossil: Madeline Kunin
State Fruit: iMac

State Hero: Lorraine Bobbit (look her up on Internet)
State Holiday: Earth Day (please see addendum)

State Ice Cream: Berried Garcia
State Idol: Fidel Castro (i.e. free health care)
State Indian Tribe: 7-11 Stores
State Insect: WASP’s Who Believe In God

State Jewelry: Tongue Stud

State Low Level Waste Site: Vermont Legislature

State Magazine: Guns & Ammo
State Mammal: Progressive Moon bats
State Mascot: Oprah Winfrey
State Mineral: Anything Synthetic
State Motto: Permit Denied

State Pandemic: Global Warming Hysteria
State Patriot: Benedict Arnold
State Penitentiary: Brattleboro Union High School
State Philosopher: Helen Caldicott
State Philosophy: Poverty Equality for All
State Pirates: Brattleboro Water & Sewer Department
State Politics: Affluent versus Effluent
State Poet: Karl Marx
State Protest Monument: Wells Fountain

State Religion: Multi-Cultural Sensitivity Awareness

State Savior: Unemployment Insurance
State Shrub: Anthony Pollina
State Slogan: Feel Sorry For Me
State Smell: Failed Septic System
State Soil: Mud
State Song: “Gotta Go To Rehab” by Amy Winehouse
State Sport: Dumpster Diving
State Symbol: Cemetery Backhoe

State Tattoo: Tramp Stamp
State Television: BCTV With No Sound
State Transportation Plan: Self Propelled Grocery Carts
State Tree: Fat Ash

Addendum: Earth Day was founded by Ira Einhorn in 1970. Einhorn was an activist/environmentalist student at the University of Pennsylvania. When his girlfriend Holly Maddox moved out to live with her new boyfriend in New York City, Einhorn asked Holly to come back to Pennsylvania to remove her possessions which she agreed to do. Einhorn killed Holly in his apartment, dismembered her, and stuffed her remains in a large trunk that Einhorn kept in his bedroom closet for eighteen months. (I’m not making this up). His neighbors complained about the stench coming from his abode. When confronted by the police who found the source of the smell, Einhorn replied, “you found what you found”.

Einhorn jumped bail, changed his name to Eugene Mallon, and fled to Europe where he hid for sixteen years until he was finally caught in France. He fought extradition to the United States by appealing to the Hague World Court claiming his pending murder trial back in the United States would be a violation of his human rights. He was being defended in France by a group of environmental wacko’s called the Green Party. Then President Bill Clinton told the French Government to cut the human rights crap and send the slime ball back to America which they did. Einhorn attempted to slit his own throat but, unfortunately for taxpayers, did not succeed in killing himself. Back in Pennsylvania his paranoid “the CIA wants to get me” defense did not sway the jury. He was found guilty of Holly Maddox’s murder and is currently serving a life sentence without parole at the State Prison in Houtzdale, Pennsylvania.

The fact that Earth Day is celebrated in honor of its psychotic murderer founder, Ira Einhorn, is a fitting tribute to the morality of every environmentalist in Vermont who celebrates Earth Day.

RLElkins